god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
