I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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