I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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