My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize