I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
