There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
