between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
