i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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