dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I looked at my own cervix.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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