She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
