I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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