i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
