Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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