Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
