dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
