insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
