remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
