So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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