He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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