you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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