I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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