One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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