I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
