Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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