Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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