I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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