Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
