Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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