I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
