Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
