I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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