Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
