Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
