It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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