Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
