I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
