Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
