dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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