I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
