I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
