She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
