My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
