i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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