absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
