I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
