I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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