I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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