FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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