dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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