Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
