also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
