Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
