just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
