i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
