eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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