At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
