i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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