I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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