A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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