i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
