I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
